The core of a healthy relationship is trust, and infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of that trust. But what causes infidelity? Take a look at five common causes of infidelity, and how you can avoid them.

1. Misleading First Impressions:
Often times, men and women will tell white lies to enhance their appeal to potential mates. For example, a woman might say that she isn’t looking for a serious relationship so that she doesn’t scare away the all-too-common commitment-phobic men, when in reality she is always on the hunt for a future husband. The problem here is that the woman will have to back track if this relationship winds up being something she would like to take to the next level. Starting off a potential relationship with lies, no matter how insignificant they may seem at the time, will set a tone of dishonesty that is hard to break. Little lies breed big lies. You certainly do not have to divulge your entire personal history to a prospective mate, but any information that you do choose to share should be the truth. Remember, you can’t build a house on sand.

2. The Double Life Syndrome:
Sometimes the comfort and stability of a relationship can lead to boredom, especially for those of us who enjoy thrills and adventure in life. When a relationship starts to feel bland, it is not uncommon for the unhappy individual to begin entertaining a sort of separate, and more exciting, identity. This can also arise when someone feels too engrossed in their relationship, and they crave the independence that they were able to exercise as a single person. Instead of falling into this trap, communicate with your partner. Explain that you are feeling either stifled or bored — just be honest! Do not put the blame on your partner — instead use phrases starting with “I” — not “you.” Try to brace the subject when you both have time to talk, and when you are not entangled in any stressful situations (for example, don’t start this up when you are both trying to get ready to go to work in the morning). You might be surprised to discover that your partner has similar feelings. Try to come up with ways to spice things up, such as having a date night, or leaving sexy messages for each other around the house. If your problem was feeling overwhelmed by the relationship, talk about having Guys’ and Girls’ night out, so that you can each socialize with your friends, and take the focus of the relationship.

3. Feeling Unappreciated:
It is common for people to take for granted those who are the most important in their loves (“We always hurt the ones we love”). We become so accustomed to the support and companionship of our partners that we forget to take the time to thank them for being so special to our lives. If you or your partner is feeling unappreciated, then animosity will grow, and a yearning for acceptance and gratitude will intensify. This often causes someone to search for the attention from someone else — someone who seems to be genuinely impressed by them. For example, if a woman feels that her efforts and attentions are going unnoticed by her man, and then another man showers her with compliments, she may be so needy for this type of attention that she falls into the arms of the other man. Relationships take work, so you have to remember to show your appreciation to your partner on a regular basis. Make a habit of telling your partner something that you love about them at least once every day. Writing a simple love note to your partner will make them feel so special. And, as always, flowers are a great way to show your lady that you were thinking of her.

4. Sexual Incompatibility:
If you aren’t happy in the bedroom, then you probably aren’t happy out of the bedroom. Sexual compatibility is a very integral part of any relationship. Intimacy is a sensitive subject for many people — either they are too embarrassed to talk about it, or they have feeling of inadequacy or physical insecurity. These inhibitions can create some awkwardness and tension in a relationship. If you aren’t attracted to the person you are with, then you should reevaluate why you are with this person. Is this relationship better suited for friendship? Be honest with yourself and your partner. However, if you are attracted to your partner, but your sex life is struggling, try to loosen up and open the lines of communication. Talk about your likes and dislikes — be descriptive, and make your partner feel comfortable being descriptive too! By the end of the conversation, you both might be ready to give it another shot! There are also a plethora of books on sexual intimacy that can be offer advice on improving your sex life.

5. The True Love Test:
Many people try to convince themselves that they are cheating to see if they can truly be happy with one person – they say that they are testing their love. They need to find out if their partner is really “the one.” Sometimes this will cause infidelity for engaged couples, when someone feels that they have to make absolutely sure that they are marrying the right person. If you have to test your love like this, then you just failed. Love is not something that you should have to verify with anyone but yourself and the one you love. If you don’t want to be tied down to one person, then you need to get out of the relationship.

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Legalizing same-sex marriage would generate as much as $88 million in additional wedding and tourism spending in Washington, according to a study by UCLA Law School's Williams Institute.

The institute, which studies issues related to sexual orientation and gender identity, based its estimate on census data, economic-impact figures and the experiences of other states that have legalized same-sex marriage, most notably Massachusetts.

The same-sex marriage bill passed Wednesday by the state Senate is expected to win House approval within days and be signed quickly by Gov. Chris Gregoire, though opponents hope to challenge it in a statewide referendum in the fall.

According to the 2010 Census, there are just over 19,000 same-sex couples in Washington. Assuming half of them choose to marry within three years of legalization — the rate in Massachusetts after same-sex marriage became law there in 2004 — that would mean about 9,500 marriages that otherwise wouldn't take place.

(Washington now has about 40,000 marriages a year, according to federal data.) Weddings are big business, as anyone who's paid for one lately knows all too well: The average spent on a wedding in Washington was $25,414 in 2010, according to industry-research website theweddingreport.com.

Even if, as the institute estimates, same-sex couples spend only a quarter as much on their Big Day as heterosexual couples, that's still more than $6,350 per wedding. Do the math and it works out to $60.4 million in direct spending over three years. But few couples get married by themselves. A Massachusetts study found that same-sex couples had an average 16 out-of-town guests at their ceremonies.

Assuming that holds true here, that means more than 152,000 extra visitors. A state Commerce Department study last year found that visitors to our fair state spend an average $185 per day on transportation, lodging, food and Pike Place Market tchotchkes. So add another $28.1 million, for a total impact of $88.5 million.

The institute notes that this estimate doesn't consider any gains from out-of-state couples who might travel here to get married, and it assumes that wedding expenses would come from couples' savings (or credit cards) rather than being diverted from other spending.

Also, more than 7,500 same-sex couples already have registered as domestic partners in Washington; those folks may simply convert their partnerships into marriages and forgo the flowers, prime rib and '80s cover band.

Dropping them leaves a low-end estimate of just under 2,000 full-blown ceremonies, and cuts the total impact to $18.5 million. Either way, based on Massachusetts' experience, most of the impact would be felt quickly: The study estimates that nearly two-thirds of the three-year total of weddings would occur in the first year after legalization.

All that, of course, would be a boon to florists, caterers and the rest of the wedding-industrial complex — not to mention the state and local governments, which would share close to $8 million (in the high-end scenario) in additional sales taxes and hotel/motel taxes.

In terms of the overall state economy, however, the impact would be tiny. More than $100 billion in taxable sales occur in Washington each year, and last year the state alone collected $7.2 billion in sales and use taxes.

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Of all the changes that have taken place in recent decades, the most far-reaching is globalization. People from different cultures are coming into contact and interacting with one another more and more frequently. So cultural encounters are inevitable, but that does not have to mean cultural clashes. Based on deep mutual understanding, cross-cultural communication will contribute to cultural integration.

As China is swept up in this wave of globalization, one frustration that foreigners working in here or cooperating with Chinese companies have to face is knowing how to handle the matter of guanxi. It is a key word in the daily lives of Chinese people. But guanxi is different from what in the Western world might be termed "relationships", the word that is most often used to translate the Chinese term. More precisely, guanxi could be translated as a Chinese relationship or a relationship with Chinese characteristics.

Western society emphasizes the concept of individualism, while Chinese society has from time immemorial attached great importance to collectivism. The word guanxi is closely linked with Chinese culture and tradition. Western scholars are apt to define guanxi as "a special relationship", "a tie with its own particularities", "connection", "exchange" and "social capital", etc. In fact, guanxi refers to personal affection that needs establishing, building and maintaining. As a result, people can make use of an interpersonal resource in pursuing their economic and political interests. Thus, guanxi is a dynamic and active process, rather than a static and inherent state.

The connotations of guanxi can also be looked at through etymology and semantics. How did Chinese ancestors define a man? Confucius said "virtuousness" denoted the basic nature of a man. (??:??,???) In Chinese the character that stands for virtuousness is made up of?and? , conveying the meaning of the coexistence of "two men" and the state in which a man is in relationship with another. Confucius held that this state is the basic nature of a man, which means humans are social animals who must be in personal relationships. No one can live without guanxi or relationship. But guanxi in China is more important than a relationship in the Western world, because without guanxi a man does not even exist.

In The Analects of Confucius there is another saying: "If you do not have the right designation, you will not be in a position to relate to others and hence not accomplish anything." (???????,????????) This saying also applies to communications in modern times. As we all know, communication is a transactional process between the communicator and the receiver. And the information carrier between these two communications subjects is no other than a relationship or guanxi. Guanxi is what Confucius called designation. Only through the channels of guanxi or a strong relationship can the information be disseminated and its meaning shared. Thus people can communicate with one another and finally achieve their goal. That is to say, if you do have the right designation, you will have justification and the channel to convey your information, thus accomplishing your goal.

Chinese people live in a social tradition in which interpersonal affection (qing, ?) comes first, rational commitment (li,? ) second, and legal obligation (fa, ?) last. The order of importance of these three factors is the reverse of what applies in the Western world. As mentioned previously, interpersonal affection (qing,? ), in a sense, is equivalent to the word guanxi. On the other hand, the way of mutual dealings in Western society based on legal obligation (fa,? ) can be called "relationship". There are outstanding features in modern western culture: one is the rule of law and the other one is rationalism. In contrast, classical Chinese culture is characterized by the rule of virtues and personal attachment. The difference comes down to China still being more an "acquaintances' society" based on blood relationships and geographical ties, whereas most Western countries are "strangers' society" based on laws and contracts. Under the influence of such social values, interpersonal affection has become a rule of dealing with interpersonal relations in our daily lives and mutual communication.

Today most changes and trends join up and become a part of the whole world. The growth of the dynamic market economy, real-time communication, and increasing mobility of people has brought about a collision in values, which has a big impact on life and culture. Living in an era of globalization, conflict between different cultures and people has become inevitable, and what is needed for better communication is mutual understanding.

From the Industrial Revolution in the 18th and 19th centuries came urbanization, which strengthened the bonds of all countries and their peoples. In the 20th century, driven by economic globalization, the world became more connected and science and technology developed apace. In the 21st century the global information revolution has brought people and cultures closer together than ever before. Now China faces the task of industrialization and informatization simultaneously, while advanced Western countries go through information globalization.

A variety of culture shocks is happening, and they will promote the new development of traditional culture in the globalization era. Guanxi is now approaching the original meaning of the English "relationship". It may provide easy access for communication, but it is by no means a guarantee of dealing with problems in a China that is becoming a strangers' society.

But can problems in a society of strangers be solved by laws or contracts alone? Such a society, with all of its high-tech ways, is one of little contact. We may find we are inundated by information every which way and this, but receive few effective messages. We may have lost our life in living, lost wisdom in knowledge, and lost knowledge in information.

In the age of the information explosion, communication is like the flow of water; a pipeline is to water what relationships are to information. The messages cannot be conveyed without channels built by relationships. Which means that relationships is the foundation of effective communication.

Even if Chinese society is in a period of transformation, we cannot totally get rid of the influence of old traditional concepts. We should learn from tradition to reduce frustration and disappointment when facing cultural encounters. In regard to social management, how to combine interpersonal affection with legal obligation to meet the needs of today's social development is worthy of our profound thinking.

The author is professor, vice-president of the University of International Relations and deputy secretary-general of the China International PR Association. The views expressed in the article do not necessarily reflect those of China Daily.

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Recently, I realized that I have spent almost as much time being married as I previously spent being single. I have known my husband for some 23 years now and I can proudly say that my relationship is an imperfect one. While I could not imagine living without him, I have been struck by the realization that I’m so used to having him around that I’ve begun to take my relationship for granted.

We know that the opposite of love is not hate; rather it’s indifference. Too often couples allow themselves to sink to the level of “I couldn’t care less” and this danger, if not taken seriously, can result in the many midlife divorces that are so common in our society.

Through my work, I have interviewed many individuals who have been in and out of relationships. In my opinion, one particular factor that has resulted in many marriage or relationship breakdowns is “self-centered living.” The mistake that many individuals make when they enter a relationship is thinking that our spouse will meet our deepest needs. We then feel deeply “cheated” or hurt when they don’t, compelling us to shut down. Honestly, how many of us start a relationship with the view that we are there to serve our partner?   

But as we all know, a relationship is hard work. If your relationship is not growing, it runs the danger of being stagnant or being torn apart. The myth that you can change your partner for the better or your relationship will sort itself out once the children arrive may only complicate matters. If you’re proactive about working on your relationship, here are some pointers that could help make it a healthier, more enduring one.

1. Choosing Commitment
Love isn’t just about feelings. It’s a decision. A commitment to put your relationship above everything else gives you an immediate edge. While commitment isn’t as “sexy” a concept as romance or passion, it is undeniably the sturdy foundation for lasting relationships. Commitment means endurance and the promise to stay and work through any challenges that emerge, together. Commitment also means giving up on choices; far from the notion of being trapped in a relationship, commitment only brings freedom from concerns about finding someone better “out there.”

It also means not bailing out at the first sign of distress in the relationship. Commitment is acknowledging that every relationship goes through trials and tribulations. Yet, leaving is not an option.  

2. Making No Room for Self-Centeredness
Unlike your job, your relationship decisions are not made in the boardroom where you have to constantly fight for your position or promotion. You have nothing to prove to each other; a healthy relationship needs no competition, just pure collaboration. According to a book by Dr. Larry Crabb, “Men & Women: Enjoying the Difference,” “Little growth in marriages takes place until we realize that the disease of self-centeredness is fatal to our souls and marriages. Nothing exposes our self-centeredness more clearly than anger.”

Men and women have an equally amazing ability to justify our own anger and bitterness toward our spouse, while excusing our own bad attitude. Being angry at our spouses can be very attractive because it makes us feel both powerful and self-righteous.

Many of us are easily convinced that the root of the problem lies only with our spouse and that our own personal faults are far more minor and are merely reactive. Self-centeredness is a cancer that blinds us from seeing that the problem is not merely our spouse; the problem is ourselves.

3. Practice Honest Communication
Admit it – we’re easily irritated when our partner doesn’t get it. We would assume that after being in the relationship for so long, our partner would just pick up on unspoken signs that we’re tired, irritated or hurt. If your partner isn’t Professor X or Jean Gray from the X-Men, then that could not be further from the truth.

Many people expect their partner to read what’s on their mind or worse, they fail to talk about issues that make them feel uncomfortable or unhappy. But the cracks on the wall will not go away with just a fresh coat of paint. Left to fester, they threaten the very foundation of your relationship.

Studies have shown that it's a mistake to judge the quality of a relationship by how much or how little you argue with your partner. The key in any argument is not about being confrontational but being deliberate about expressing how you really feel. Practicing honest communication is hard but the price of keeping secrets could be even more damaging.
 
4. Show Appreciation and Give Thanks
One of the basic human desires is to be appreciated. Many couples agree that they can always do with a little bit more affirmation from their partners and they also agree that they can afford to develop a habit of showing more appreciation too.

No matter at what stage of the relationship you are in, it is important to let your partner know that they’re the best and you love them. In the early days of your relationship, there were probably many wonderful qualities you noticed about your partner and it takes very little now to reinforce that those qualities are still appreciated even after you’ve been together for a long time.

One can never go wrong with constant affirmation, appreciation and acknowledgement for they are building blocks to a healthier, more enduring relationship.

5. Don’t Just Reminisce about Old Memories, Create New Ones
Studies have shown that boredom can inflict harm on relationships. So be proactive about adding some color to your love life!

Instead of browsing wistfully through old photo albums taken when you started dating, wishing things were new and exciting like before, resolve to do something new and exciting together. Make plans, sans children, to travel together. Being alone without the demands and distractions of the children can do wonders.

Kill the routine and instead of going for a typical steak dinner on your date nights, spice things up by taking the road less traveled. Be spontaneous. Take dancing classes together; nothing like spinning and dipping to feel like a bride and groom again.

6. Apologize and Forgive
Forgiving is an act that liberates you from anger, so seeking forgiveness from your partner helps him or her to release that pent up negative energy. Forgiveness and apology work hand in hand. Without both, you risk the chance of harboring resentment. Resentment is a debilitating feeling that destroys everything in its wake. Your partner isn’t perfect. You aren’t either.

Most marital or relationship spats represent an opportunity to resolve conflicts and make things better. We need to learn to tolerate conflict in our relationships and the best way to do it is to tame the ego and learn to say “sorry” first. And when your partner does apologize, forgive.

It takes two people to couple up and have a relationship but only one to make a relationship better. Waiting for your spouse to change first is a recipe for unhappiness. Fortunately, you have the choice to also create your own happiness and the decision lies with you.

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“And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise.‏” (Quran, Al-Baqarah 2: 228)

In Islam, the marriage between a man and a woman is considered as a very sacred act and a contract, a blessed gift of Allah to lead a happy and enjoyable life. The main objectives are spritual tranquality, peace and cooperation and partnership in fullfilling the great mandate in terms of our religion. Well marriage is also to fulfill the physical needs of someone in a very descent manner. While we read Quran we can find out that:

“Among His signs is that He created for you spouses of your own kind in order that you may repose to them in tranquility and He instilled in your hearts love and affection for one another; verily, in these are signs for those who reflect (on the nature of the reality.” (Quran, Ar-Rum 30: 21)

In an another Surah in Quran Allah has stated the relatinship between male and female in the context of partnership and achieving the divine mandate: “The believers, males and females, are partners of one another; they shall jointly enjoin all that is good and counsel against all that is evil.” (Quran, At-Tawbah 9: 71)

Allah has gifted us a great source of information in the form of Quran. We can findout any kind of guidance, law, knowledge and information in Quran and that’s why we are advised to read Quran so that we can educate ourselves in a spritual and religious way.

Our Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. said: “Four things bring one joy: a righteous wife, a spacious house, a pious neighbor and a comfortable riding animal.” (Reported by Al-Hakim, Abu-Nu`aym and Al-Bayhaqi)

Allah says in Quran that:
“Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath men the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded.” (Quran, An-Nisa’ 4: 34)

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A strong, healthy relationship doesn’t usually just happen overnight. It takes quite a bit of time and effort to create and sustain it; it’s important to put your mind and your heart to making it work. This is what is at the core of every piece of love relationship advice you are ever to come across.

So whether you are just at the start of your relationship or have been in one for many years, it still holds true that you should remain flexible and be able to adapt to changes that are sure to happen in the relationship.

Love Relationship Advice from the Experts on Self-Improvement
In her book “Love’s Secret: Live Your Life in Love,” one of the things Annie Lawrence advises is for you to trust yourself. Let’s face it: we all experience episodes of self-doubt, something that is normal. But if it is allowed to develop or go on for prolonged periods of time, that self-doubt will negatively affect your ability to trust and believe in yourself. And if you don’t trust or believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

Similar principles are discussed in the book “Undefended Love,” by Marlena S. Lyons and Jett Psaris. What you need to do, according to them, is to let go of your ego so that the real you can come out. Doing this lets you become more intimate with yourself and with others, something that is of primary importance in love relationships.

Love Relationship Advice for the Newly Single
If you have just broken up with your significant other, you will find that there is also plenty of love relationship advice out there, whether you are wishing to get your ex back or wanting to get over the relationship completely.

If your desire is to reconcile with your ex, you should learn some of the common mistakes people commit, such as calling him or her every so often to beg your ex to take you back. Such actions will usually serve to just push the other person away even further. Instead, relationship experts such as John Alexander recommend you do things that are centered on you: including getting in shape, getting a new hobby, etc. Prioritize self-improvement, since it is a powerful tool for getting your ex back.

On the other hand, if what you want is to completely get over the relationship, then some love relationship advice from Susan J. Elliott in her book “Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You” might be just what you need. In the book, she shares tips on how to mend your heart, develop a stronger sense of self, and accept that you deserve something — or someone — better in life.

So whether you are in a relationship, want out of one, or want to re-enter one, remember that you need to truly love and accept yourself. No piece of love relationship advice out there will help you if you neglect to do this.

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Many students enter into a romantic relationship during college. The beginning of the relationship is often exhilarating and easy. As time goes on, a healthy relationship requires good communication and cooperation between partners. The quality of our relationships affects our lives in many ways, including our self-esteem, our ability to handle stress, and our academic and work-related productivity. The following questionnaire can help you identify the health of the relationship that you have with your significant other. Answer each question with a simple "yes" or "no."

My partner and I have clear communication.
We have trust in one another.
There is mutual respect between us.
We have common interests.
We are able to perceive things differently without expecting each other to see things the other's way.
I feel values intellectually, emotionally, and if intimate, physically.
I am able to grow independently, and I support my partner's growth, thus our relationship is also growing.
We have activities and friends outside of the relationship.
We accept each other and do not try to change one another.
Our relationship adds joy to my life.

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"Can't do this anymore. It's over. You're a fantastic woman -- but I'm not the man for you. Call me?"

This is the way that The Daily Mail's Mandy Appleyard recalls being unceremoniously dumped ... through a text message. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's relationship reportedly also ended this way, and one of this season's "Bachelor" contestants recounted on-air how her ex-boyfriend had sent her a text welcoming her to "Dumpsville." It appears that Appleyard's digital breakup is far from unique. In fact, a new survey conducted by mobile phone site Recombu.com says that one in 10 people have been dumped via text, reported Digital Journal. The survey of 2,000-people also indicated that one-third of individuals in relationships say they've snooped in their partner's inbox, and 25 percent of people confessed to using texts to illicitly flirt with people other than their partners.

Though Appleyard admits to flirtatious texting herself, she says she generally views the text message as a lazy way to communicate with another person -- especially someone that you're involved with romantically. "The text is the pygmy of communication methods. It's a Post-it note, a P.S. It's minimum investment, minimum effort. It's often cowardly -- a way to avoid face-to-face contact," she writes.

The piece asks a question many others have posed: Is technology eroding our relationships? According to the editor of Recombu.com, Hannah Bouckley, it isn't -- it's merely reproducing behavior that existed before the era of texting and making it easier. As she told The Daily Mail: It is easier to write a few words and then send it through a text and avoid confrontation ... Texting is such a part of how we communicate as a whole now that it is natural that this will be used for something [relationship related].
While technology has certainly made it easier to avoid face-to-face confrontation and communication -- often to the detriment of relationships -- the news isn't all bad. In some situations, texting can actually enhance romance. Eleven percent of people surveyed by Recombu.com said that they'd been asked out via text message, and some experts say that sexy texting can actually benefit a sexual relationship.

In the book "Firtexting," authors Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz contend that "sexting," the exchange of sexually explicit words and images via text, as well as less explicit flirtatious texting, has the power to enhance couples' sexual connection. "When you've been with the same person for a while, what better way to spice up your relationship than with a fiery flirtext?" wrote Goldstein and Baniuszewicz. They also assert that couples can express sexual desires that through technology that they may not be discussing face-to-face.

Have you ever used texting to end, begin or spice up a relationship? Do you think technology is helping or hurting our romantic encounters?

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Bedtime should be a blissful part of any happy couple’s day — the point at which they close the door on the world, cosy up together in a welcome moment of intimacy, then drift off into a solid night’s sleep. That’s the idealistic notion of how it goes, at least. In reality, sleeping together is more often a hot-bed of bad tempers, mismatched body clocks and seething resentments. One of you likes the bedroom cold, the other prefers it hot. One of you snores like a bear, the other grinds their teeth. One of you is a night owl, the other an early bird. The list of potential battlegrounds seems to be endless.

Small wonder that an increasing number of couples are choosing to sleep in separate beds — and often in separate rooms. Their marriages are happy and their sex life very much on track: it’s just that they’ve realised the best way to a good night’s sleep is not to share the mattress and duvet with their spouse. When Debbie and James Clayden cuddled up together in the bridal suite on their wedding night last August, it was the first time they had shared a bed in several years.

And at the end of their two-week honeymoon in Kenya, Debbie and James, both 29, returned to separate bedrooms at their home in Castleford, West Yorkshire. Debbie, an actress, and James, a mechanical engineer, say their relationship has been improved by separate beds. ‘We have a healthy sex life. We can make love wherever and whenever the mood takes us, and taking sex out of the marital bed makes it more exciting,’ says Debbie. ‘When we do make love in bed, it’s usually in James’s bed. We enjoy a cuddle and a chat afterwards, then I go off to my own room.’

James suffers from Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep behaviour disorder, which means he acts out his dreams while asleep. Debbie says: ‘We shared a bed at first, but it became unbearable. I have a bad back that is painful unless I move regularly, but when I turned over I disturbed James, who would then hit or kick out at me.

‘James was permanently exhausted during the day, so I persuaded him to visit our GP and a specialist diagnosed REM sleep behaviour disorder. He prescribed a tranquiliser to help James sleep deeply.’ The medication helped, but James still thrashes around in bed when he has had a busy day or is feeling stressed.

He says: ‘I’m still quite restless when I sleep. Without Debbie moving round at my side, I get more settled sleep.’ Friends have told the Claydens they feel it’s weird for a husband and wife not to sleep together and James admits: ‘If someone had said ten years ago that I would end up sleeping apart from my wife, I’d have thought it a bit odd. But our marriage is happy and fulfilling in every way.’

Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor with charity Relate, says she encounters many more couples who sleep apart now than she did in the past. She attributes that to more people working shifts, but also believes sharing a bedroom is all too often a source of marital conflict. ‘Couples start talking about problems when they go to bed and an argument can start. One partner might eventually try to avoid rounding off the day like this by going into a separate room,’ she says.

But Denise says sleeping apart doesn’t have to impair a couple’s sex life: ‘For some couples it increases their desire because it’s like going back to dating. Making love in their partner’s bedroom then going back to their own to sleep can be thrilling.

‘And if your partner’s sleeping habits mean you’re sleep-deprived that’s bound to get in the way of a good sexual relationship. Separate bedrooms and a good night’s sleep may bring about more physical closeness.’ That said, Denise says sleeping separately can drive a wedge between couples whose relationship is already in trouble. ‘Turning your bedroom into your territory and making it a no-go zone for your partner is a bad idea.’

However, sleeping apart is an arrangement that works perfectly for Shelley Harrison, 35, and her partner of five years, Alex Olejnic, 39, from Braintree, Essex. They have had separate rooms for more than two years. Shelley, an accounts manager, says: ‘Sleeping apart is the best thing we ever did. I’ve never slept well with someone beside me — being alone in bed feels far more natural. When we shared a bed, Alex and I spent the night tossing and turning. That’s frustrating when you have to get up early for work.
‘Alex goes to bed at about 1am, when I’ve already been tucked up for three hours, but it can be 4am before he falls asleep, and then he grinds his teeth. I used to take myself off to the spare room so often that eventually I suggested we make it permanent. I’m a misery without a good night’s sleep, as is he, so we’re both happy with this arrangement.’

Shelley and Alex, 39, have encountered suspicion about their decision. ‘My mum thinks it’s bizarre for a couple to sleep apart, and colleagues look at me askance when I mention it to them,’ says Shelley. ‘They can’t understand a couple in a committed relationship not sharing a bed — one told me she would never let her husband sleep alone. She made me feel it wasn’t natural. But I’m happy, and we have a great relationship.

‘We have other opportunities for intimacy, and we have sex once every four to six weeks, which is probably about average for a couple who’ve been together a few years. We love and care deeply about each other, so what does it matter where we sleep?’

The couple have taken advantage of their arrangement by choosing very different décor for their respective rooms. Shelley’s is purple and feminine, while Alex’s room is a sparsely-furnished bachelor pad. Shelley says: ‘We have a shared walk-in wardrobe in our third bedroom, and on Saturday nights we often watch TV together in Alex’s bed. It feels like we’re a dating couple going back to his place, which is fun. Sometimes I fall asleep in there but usually wake in the early hours and return to the comfort of my own bed.’

Alex says sleeping separately has done wonders for his relationship with Shelley.  He says he’s never been happier with a woman, and attributes that to their sleeping apart. ‘When I have a poor night’s sleep, I’m like a bear with a sore head the next day, ratty and snappy,’ Alex says. ‘Shelley makes a clicking sound when she breathes in her sleep, which feels like Chinese water torture, and she accuses me of teeth-grinding and fidgeting. So when we slept together we used to row a lot about which one kept the other awake. Now we barely have a cross word — and the time we spend cuddling up feels more special.’

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I’m sure you’ve heard this one before, but here goes anyway. I’m a man of 41 and I’ve never had a proper relationship with a woman. At 25 I had one brief relation­ship with a friend. It didn’t last long because she didn’t feel the same way. I was very upset about that and since then there’s been nothing. I feel it’s all down to a lack of “relationship ability”.

I see guys all the time out there who seem to have a way of controlling things and moving things forward with the opposite sex. I’m so envious of this and wonder why I’ve never had the same tools at my disposal.

I know a big part of it is how you come across as a person. I do my best, but some people say I don’t come across as a guy who could look after someone... either emotionality or sexually. That has a big impact on my confidence.

All my friends and siblings have been able to develop relationships, so it makes me feel there’s something badly underdeveloped in me that I’m unable to change.

Coleen says..
I don’t think there is anything under­developed in you at all. I do think that finding a relationship has become the be-all and end-all, so when you do meet a woman you like you’re probably giving out signals of desperation without realising it, which maybe frightens them off.

Or perhaps you’re not giving enough of yourself when you meet people because you’re frightened of rejection. Unfortunately, rejection is all part of dating and you will just have to get over it. I know it’s natural when you hit the big “Four-Oh” to start panicking about where your life’s going, but I met my husband, Ray, when he was 43 and a few weeks later I was pregnant with our daughter Ciara. Now we’re 12 years down the line.

It’s hard, because at your age most people seem settled in relationships or marriages, but all it means is that you haven’t met the right woman yet. Not everyone finds love at 25. When you do meet the right woman, all of these issues won’t be a problem any more.

Trust me, I know from letters I receive and from my own life that it’s never too late to find that special person... especially for a bloke. Don’t give up hope. Oh, and stop listening to these so-called friends who claim you “can’t look after someone emotionally or sexually”. How would they know? Perhaps you’d feel more confident if you ditched them.

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