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Relationship found between temperature and sex of fish

Posted in : Relationship

(added few months ago!)

Relationship found between temperature and sex of fishResearchers at the National Research Council (CSIC) identified the molecular mechanism that links the increase in temperature with the inhibition of aromatase, an enzyme that converts androgens to estrogens.

"In many species of vertebrates, mainly fish and reptiles, the temperature influences sex determination of individuals," says Francesc Piferrer, expert at the Institute of Marine Sciences, CSIC.

"This influence is more emphasized in some cases, the fact that there is more or less heat is imposed over the genetic information written in DNA," he adds. For example, sex determination for sea bass depends on the combination of genetic and environmental factors.

Previous studies proved that it is possible to have a sea bass population with a similar percentage of males and females and to get 100 per cent males as a result of increased temperature. "The most intriguing was that environmental factors had their greatest impact in a development moment in which the gonads were not only different, but had not yet begun to form," says the scientist.

During the investigation, whose results were published in the journal PLoS Genetics, two groups of sea bass larvae were exposed to different temperatures, normal and high.

"The results show that temperature increase leads to DNA methylation of the promoter of the aromatase gene (called cyp19a), which is tantamount to silencing by blocking transcriptional activation," said Piferrer. In the study group there were females with partially inhibited aromatase and were developed as females.

"However, Piferrer adds, in other females of the same group the aromatase inhibition had affected them at a higher level, and they had become males."This research allows the description of the operation of an epigenetic mechanism between environmental and the cell factors for the first time, leading to sex determination of a specimen.

At other times, it had only been documented a similar mechanism in plants. This study, which included the collaboration of the Centre for Genomic Regulation in Barcelona, also clarifies why many farmed fish are males.

"The explanation is that, in trying to accelerate growth, farmers grow the larvae at elevated temperatures," says Piferrer. "Sex determination by temperature is very common in reptiles and it will be interesting to see whether a similar mechanism is also present in fish," says the scientist.

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The Two Main Types Of Control In A Marriage

Posted in : Marriage

(added few months ago!)

There are two main types of controlling behavior in a marriage relationship. There is aggressive control, which is outward and overt and then there is passive control which is more covert and hidden.

Let’s tackle the aggressive, active control first. What are the typical ways someone can actively try to control one’s spouse?

It can be either spouse that tries to control their spouse. The root cause underneath the control is fear and insecurity. The controlling person believes that if they can control others their world will be more ok. Unfortunately it does not work out that way. The net result is distance, distrust and killing feelings of love.

When Michael and Susan came into our office, Susan presented as a meek and mild mannered woman. She said that Michael was a bully and that she was afraid of him. We spent some time with Michael individually as well, and he did not have much to say about himself or Susan. He was pretty shut down. When we worked with them as a couple we saw the dynamic between the two of them in action. Michael was obviously walking on egg shells, trying not to upset Susan. He was very careful to not say anything that would upset her.

Soon Susan’s façade as the meek and mild mannered spouse crumbled away as she showed her true colors by using anger to control Michael. We work with a lot of couples in our Marriage Counseling practice where one spouse uses anger in an attempt to control the other. This is not the main problem in their recovery. The main problem is when the angry spouse does not own that they have an anger problem. When we gently confronted Susan about her Anger problem she became highly defensive and blamed her anger on Michael’s behavior. According to Susan, she was merely reacting to Michael and was not taking responsibility for her choice to become angry.

Passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger. Michael knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Susan up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments infuriated her. He knew that breaking promises pushed Susan’s hottest button. Most passive aggressive behavior is intentional, although a passive aggressive person can really come across as the “nice guy”.

The more passive Michael would be, the more aggressive Susan would become. It was a lose-lose situation. How can this cycle of controlling behavior be broken? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouse to see and acknowledge their behaviors. Although it is the truth that set’s us free, it is the truth about ourselves not the truth in general.

After Susan and Michael each saw their own behaviors in this light, they were ready for the next step. The next step was for each of them to come up with baby steps that would eliminate their individual controlling behaviors. Susan set a goal to give herself a timeout when she first started feeling angry. She also started jogging which helped her release a lot of the stress in her life.

Michael started journaling his feelings. This was a safe way for Michael to start feeling his feelings and expressing his feelings. He shared a lot of his journal with Susan. Michael learned how to confront Susan when she tried to control him with her anger by speaking up and saying “I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way”.

There are many steps that couples can take in learning how to stop trying to control each other. We have shown just a couple ideas about how to stop the unhealthy pattern and bring the two of you closer. If you need more help, we recommend getting into effective Marriage Counseling which can help you regain the closeness you once had.

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Tech’s Relationship With Depression, Suicide and Asperger’s

Posted in : Relationship

(added few months ago!)

As 2011 comes to a close, it’s clear there is no question that tech culture has strong relationships with disorders and illnesses related to acute stress, depression, autism, and the tragedy of suicide.

Tech’s Relationship With Depression, Suicide and Asperger’sTech culture is also no stranger to accusations among its ranks of both borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. The pressure to succeed is enormous, and a recent suicide in startup culture sparked heated and sometimes painful conversations in online tech culture forums about the mental health perils of working in tech.

My hope is that in reflecting on the losses so many of us have suffered this year, we can take a close look at what makes tech and the startup world a prime environment for incubating and overlooking these issues. The issue of tech and startup culture and depression and suicide came to the fore in November when 22-year-old Ilya Zhitomirskiy, co-founder of indie social network Diaspora, committed suicide.

Zhitomirskiy’s work situation resonated with many in startup and engineering circles. Diaspora had the publicity, groundswell and acumen that made its launch something many startup jocks hope for when trying to get a new project off the ground.And like many startups, notably social startups, Diaspora hit a fallow period. As is tradition, Diaspora’s name mingled on many tongues with the word “failure.”

On November 7 the Wall Street Journal ran the article Whatever Happened To Diaspora The Facebook Killer? We will never know if it had anything to do with the fact that Ilya Zhitomirskiy was found in his San Francisco flat five days later.

No one agrees whether Diaspora is or is not a failed endeavor - only time will tell - but its faltering brought up the familiar dance all technologists do with the concept of “fail” long before Zhitomirskiy’s tragedy.

How much, many want to know, did tech culture contribute to this awful loss?

The #Fail Culture
Failure, failing, and being “a failure” is such a part of tech culture that it is a cultural locus for entire posts, blogs, pep talks and conventions. Failure is universally feared and derided, yet framed and re-framed again and again as a means of staying positive, of learning from mistakes, of using failure as a measure of working hard for success.

The ideal of success in tech is married to the terror of failure. What undoubtedly makes it worse is the public nature of tech culture, populated with gossip bloggers happy to run any item for page views, the better if it humiliates their competitors. Add to this that the very nature of tech work itself is inherently isolating.

Dr. Keely Kolmes, Psy. D. counseled students at Stanford University for six years. When I interviewed her for this article, she immediately told me about the “Stanford Duck Syndrome”:

Bootstrappers Can’t Afford Help

In many aspects of trying to “make it” in tech, bootstrapping is how everyone gets there. Especially among startups, it’s accepted that to get your company off the ground that everyone involved is going to have to make personal sacrifices and “cut corners.”

Those sacrifices are typically monetary - often times having a decent working and sleeping environment are also put low on the priority list. In bootstrapping, you’ll work 15 hours a day and have little to no social life - I can tell you from painful personal experience that romantic relationships suffer horribly during bootstrapping, much more than I can explain here.

When someone is already struggling with they way they’re feeling, a daily environment that feels more like lonely, constant surveillance than a home or office only exacerbates internal distress. A great example of this is the tendency for bootstrappers and writers to work in a cafe.

Factor in the amount of bravado, false-fronts and ‘fake it till you make it’ that greases tech’s social interactions, and you can imagine how much shame plays a very real role in keeping the suffering of individuals hidden.

Dr. Kolmes elaborates on how much more personal this is for startup culture denizens and tech’s constant high-stakes online endeavors - which I’d expand to include tech writing and other aspects of technology based on the person-as-brand:

But the issue of money for bootstrappers isn’t to be underestimated; the psychological risk is just as real as the financial risk. Even if friends, lovers or coworkers can spot warning signs that someone might need a little help, chances are good that the person can’t afford to see anyone.

And do you think a lot of people cutting their teeth in tech have insurance - or if they do, can deal with what a diagnosis might do to their insurance? Perhaps that’s why geeks are making their own resources, such as Suicide Scale.

I have to wonder: even if there were some flexible-rate therapists, even ones that would take equity and shares as payment, do you think people in pain would be able to step out of the matrix and start getting help?

People in tech culture are definitely worried whether or not they’re at risk - the popularity of the post U Can’t Haz Sadz: The Hushed Dangers of Startup Depression is a testament to increasing awareness about tech culture’s relationship with depression and mental health challenges.

But as Dr. Kolmes explains, “There is already a great deal of stigma attached to seeking help for depression, anxiety, or other issues, and it sadly this prevents many people from getting the care they need.”

Tech and Depression: The Asperger’s Factor
In talking to and interviewing therapists for this article, they all stressed the role of Asperger’s Syndrome when talking about depression and mental health among people in tech.

If you’re unfamiliar, Asperger’s Syndrome is a developmental disorder in the autism spectrum where “Aspies” experience serious difficulties with basic social interactions (notably in communication, empathy, self-care and literal interpretations) and excel at things that involve rules, systems and laws.

Asperger’s has been called “the geek syndrome” because of its strong ties to IT, and some people believe that we wouldn’t have computational science if it weren’t for the disorder. Lots of geeks wonder, or worry, that they may have Asperger’s.

Keep an eye on the boards at Hacker News long enough, and you’ll see that Asperger’s comes up fairly frequently as a topic and when it does the threads are long and intense - with plenty of people trying to self-diagnose online or trying to solve painful personal life issues by sharing articles about living with Asperger’s.

The only way to find out, of course, is to see a doctor. The struggle and immense amount of work it takes to fit in within tech culture is not to be underestimated, Asperger’s or not. Dr. Kolmes tells me,

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Study: Bad Relationship With Mom May Lead to Weight Gain

Posted in : Relationship

(added few months ago!)

Another thing to blame on Mom? A new study finds that kids who start out with bad relationships with their mothers are more likely to end up obese as teens. The study, published in Pediatrics, tracked 977 children who were born in 1991 and enrolled in the Study of Early Child Care and Youth Development.

Study Bad Relationship With Mom May Lead to Weight Gain

Researchers found that those who had poor emotional bonds with their mothers in toddlerhood were more than twice as likely to become obese by age 15, compared with children who had healthy relationships the less secure the children’s early bond with Mom, the greater their chances of obesity.

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Relationship Advice – Why Relationship Forums Can Help You Out

Posted in : Relationship

(added few months ago!)

There are many different people out there willing to give you relationship advice. The problem is that most people have different opinions on what relationships should be like, how to fix relationship issues, and how much crap you should put up with in a relationship.

Not only does their relationship advice differ, but the way you take the advice differs from the next person who gets it. Why? Because you take what you need and then apply it to your situation through your own unique perspective.

Someone may tell you that biting your partners nails is bad but if your parents did that then you may consider it to be a part of a normal relationship - and it may take some more convincing than just hearing that it's bad for the relationship.

This is why relationship forums are good when it comes to relationship advice. Sure you may get some really bad advice there but you will also get a diversity of relationship advice that can help you come to a better answer for your unique self.

When you read a relationship book you get the advice of the author. Granted the author should have some useful knowledge when it comes to relationships. I mean they did write a book on it. But you only get their viewpoint of how a relationship should work.

When you ask your friend you get your friends perspective on relationships.
When you ask your mother you get her perspective on relationships.
When you ask a stranger you get their perspective on relationships.
And there is a good chance that all those perspectives will differ. That's not any different then a relationship forum. You get lots of unique advice that can help you come to a happy answer for yourself. But relationship forums are different in one really good way.

When relationship advice comes from someone you know or face to face, the givers opinion will also be formed around you and your feelings. Meaning they may not want to hurt your feelings so they give a kinder viewpoint on how they feel about your question.

A relationship forum can help you get tons of different opinions in a small amount of time, and you get honest and straightforward answers without the sugar-coating to spare your feelings, because these people don't care how they make you feel!

This is not a bad thing!
For criticism or advice to be constructive it has to be honest. If your best friend or mother is giving you softened relationship advice then it is not honest advice and in the end that is going to do you no good.

For instance, if your partner tells you that you are too opinionated then you may ask your best friend if they think you are too opinionated. Not wanting to hurt your feelings or make you mad at them they may say something like "No! You are self-sufficient and strong-willed. Not that it is a bad thing!" Of course that answer is just going to make you feel like you have a right to be opinionated and not help your relationship out at all.

But if you ask the same question on a forum you will get varied and honest answers about how they really feel about opinionated people. If you share WHY your partner thinks you are opinionated then they will most likely tell you the truth about your words and your actions. Then you will be able to become aware of your issues and start working on them.

So if you are looking for honest answers that will help you fix your relationship problems why not try a relationship forum? Make sure you ask your question with as much details as possible. Don't hold back! You don't know them so who cares. Your mission should be to fix your relationship not to worry about what people think about you.

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Marraige Prayer Request- Do You Need It?

Posted in : Marriage

(added few months ago!)

Do you putting in your marriage prayer request? Staying up all night long thinking about whether or not your marriage can be saved and fix is quite tiring isn't it? If you are excessively getting bags under your eyes from worrying, crying, and losing sleep over your marriage, I think it's time to find a prayer that will save your marriage in crises and save your marriage from a divorce.

In order to understand what I'm saying, listen carefully. Prayer works in a very sneaky way. Whenever someone prays for something they must have faith in what they are asking God for in order for it to work, right? Though, this is true; whenever someone has 100% faith, their actions toward that faith and prayer always turns out to be a success. That is why when you are in a broken relationship with your spouse, it is definitely time to save it by taking action and be responsible for restoring your marriage and putting it right back on track.

That is what you want, right?

And I do no mean temporary putting your marriage back on track. I mean permenantly putting your marriage back on its track. Understand this however, it is not easy to restore your marriage, only you know why you need prayer to save your marraige in crises. Until you fully understand the reason for your unhappy marriage, you will never fulfill the desire needed to bring love back in it.

Prayer to save a marriage in crises, there are so many ways to approach this type of marriage, however, if you have done all the talking in the world or your spouse have done all the talking and is tired, then it is definitely time to take a much effective approach.Take action and you shall be successful.

Do you know how many people in this world will love to be in your shoes by having someone to love and love them for the rest of their life? Can you honestly say that you don't want love in your life? I'm sure you do, everybody does. The biggest mistake people make is to lose love because of their selfish ways. One thing I will tell you about love is that once it's gone, it's gone. Guard your marriage with your strongest effort, never let it down, pray and fight for it every way possible.

Prayer to save a marriage in crises will only work if you take action. Maybe an alternative to counseling is good for your marriage. This method is where most marraige couple tend not to look, but hey, what can you lose, besides your marriage; and that is not what you want, do you?

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Psychologists urge support of gay marriage as beneficial to mental health

Posted in : Marriage

(added few months ago!)

The body, which represents 20,000 psychologists across the country, yesterday urged a change in the Marriage Act, citing evidence that marriage is beneficial for an individual's mental health and that harm is caused by social exclusion and discrimination. The APS is the latest entrant into the political debate over same-sex marriage, which will resume when Labor MP Stephen Jones introduces a private member's bill into parliament in February for marriage equality.

Labor's national conference this month controversially passed Julia Gillard's motion to allow a conscience vote on same-sex marriage, with the focus of the debate now shifting to the Coalition. Tony Abbott is expected to come under pressure over the summer, after he rejected calls by frontbenchers Malcolm Turnbull and Simon Birmingham for a conscience vote on the issue.

The frontbenchers say the Coalition has always been allowed to participate in conscience votes in the past, but the Opposition Leader says the Coalition will not change its election policy, which stipulates that marriage is between a man and a woman. APS president Simon Crowe said the society was following in the footsteps of its US counterpart, the American Psychological Society, which backed same-sex marriage in August.

"Decades of psychological research provides the evidence linking marriage to mental health benefits, and highlighting the harm to individuals' mental health of social exclusion," he said. "The APS supports the full recognition of same-sex relationships, on the basis of this evidence."Australian Marriage Equality spokesperson Rodney Croome welcomed the statement.

"The APS statement sends a clear message to all federal MPs: if you support better mental health outcomes for Australian families then you must support marriage equality," he said. "It shows marriage equality is not an abstract issue but a reform that will have concrete benefits for a significant number of Australians."

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Let's Make a New Way to Get Married and Get the State Out of the Matrimony Business

Posted in : Marriage

(added few months ago!)

As I have predicted in the past, a new Pew Foundation study of U.S. Census data confirms what I've been saying -- marriage in America is falling out of fashion. Among those aged 18 to 29, only 20 percent are now married, compared to 59 percent in 1960. Just 51 percent of all those over the age of 18 are now married, compared with 72 percent in 1960.

Let's Make a New Way to Get Married and Get the State Out of the Matrimony Business

The trend away from marriage is now accelerating, rather than slowing down, and I believe that by 2020, marriage will be a road taken by a minority of adults.

I believe the reasons for marriage falling out of favor with Americans are many, including my own clinical observations that the vast majority of married people consider their unions a source of pain, not pleasure, and that too few of them are equipped with the psychological and behavioral tools to achieve true intimacy or maintain real passion. When the architecture of a relationship is airless and seemingly without exit (without bankrupting your family by hiring lawyers and having your kids pack overnight bags every week), people will eventually learn to steer clear of it.

Perhaps no factor, however, is more responsible for the decline of marriage in America than government participation in it. The fact is that getting a marriage license means, essentially, signing a Draconian contract with the state to manage the division of your estate in the event of a divorce, without ever having read that contract.

The contract, if it included all the relevant laws pertaining to divorce, child custody, spousal support and other relevant matters, would probably run hundreds of pages. And what’s more, the contract, once signed, may be changed by the state legislature at any time, leaving the parties to it with no recourse.

This all means that getting married in America is—in the current scheme—an act of self-abandonment which subjugates one to government in a more infantilizing fashion than nearly any other voluntary action you could take.

Actions have consequences. So it is no surprise that volunteering to be lorded over by the state would result in feelings of confinement while married. Nor is it any surprise that signing over one’s rights to self-determination to the state in such dramatic fashion would result in the state over-using its power to dictate how married couples ought to conduct themselves in the event of a divorce—even if they have no children.

And it is also predictable that people would eventually find this distasteful, because human beings instinctively love liberty, especially in matters as personal as love and the raising of families.

The solution is obvious: Get the state entirely out of the marriage business. No more marriage licenses. No more special treatment of married couples by the IRS or any other facet of government. No state ever had a legitimate claim to issue marriage licenses, to begin with, since marriage is a spiritual commitment and quite often, a religious one. And it is, fundamentally, an intensely personal one based in autonomy—until city hall gets involved and messes everything up.

In the new paradigm I suggest, every couple wishing to get married would state that intention to their house of worship or their community of family and friends. They would take meaningful vows in front of gatherings of loved ones. Then they would—like knowledgeable and competent adults, rather than state-dependent, incompetent children—sign financial documents they generate together (while represented by attorneys or knowledgably waiving that right) which would govern how their assets should be pooled during the term of the contract and how they should be divided in the event they decide to end the contract. The state’s interest would be limited to enforcing laws about fair amounts of child support and fair visitation rights which must be included in such documents when children are born.

That’s it. The state would protect kids financially and emotionally from parents who fail to protect them. Otherwise, they would have no business getting involved in people’s marriages at all. They never had any business getting involved in them, to begin with.

Trust me, if marriage were thus structured as a union of heart and mind between competent adults making reasoned decisions, rather than abdicating their autonomy and infantilizing themselves, it would have a much better chance of surviving in our culture.

As currently conceived—with the state lording over anyone who decides to pull a marriage license—the institution is doomed and will barely exist in 75 years.

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Marriage Economy: 'I Couldn't Afford To Get Divorced'

Posted in : Marriage

(added few months ago!)

Lindsay Reynolds lives in Waterloo, Wis. Even before the recent economic downturn, Reynolds and her husband struggled to make ends meet. They quarreled, especially over money. "We never had enough income to pay bills, to pay rent. We were constantly late on rent," Reynolds says. "He always wanted to go do things. He wanted to go buy things. And I said, 'No, we can't. We have to be fiscally responsible.' "

Reynolds says that after her husband returned from serving in the Iraq War, he found it hard to find work. They kept moving. Each time, she had to uproot herself and start all over again. Increasingly, as the economy turned sour, it became impossible for her to find a decent job. She says the quarrels intensified.

"The last year of our marriage, it was basically two different people living in the same household," Reynolds says. She was in bad shape: losing weight, down from her usual 135 pounds.  "I got down to 90 pounds," she says. "It wasn't something I chose to do. It's not like I purposely starved myself. This was, 'I could not afford to buy food.' " She felt she had to get out of the marriage. There was only one problem: Filing the paperwork for even a basic divorce cost a few hundred dollars. "I couldn't afford to get divorced. It wasn't an option because I didn't have the money," she says.

Economic Effects On Marriage

Reynolds finally saved up enough to file for divorce in 2009. The divorce came through this year. She says she's more stable now, but her experience perfectly illustrates new research that finds the bad economy has had two effects on many marriages.

The NPR-Kaiser Family Foundation survey found the nation's high unemployment rate has caused rifts within many families: More than a fifth of all Americans who have been out of work for a year or more report that relationships with intimate partners have changed for the worse. More than a third say their economic situation has negatively affected their partners' health and well-being.

Simultaneously, a new paper in the B.E. Journal of Economic Analysis and Policy shows that as unemployment rises, the divorce rate goes down: For every 1 percent increase in the unemployment rate, the divorce rate goes down by 1 percent.

So losing a job makes many couples unhappy, and when people find themselves out of work, it becomes harder to get divorced. Experts say there is strong historical precedent for these effects.

"Economic distress leads couples who may have unhappy marriages and may have been considering divorce to pull back from divorce, to think, 'This would not be a good time to start a major change in our life,' " says Stephanie Coontz, who studies the history of marriage at Evergreen State College in Washington state.

Unemployment Increases Risk Of Domestic Violence

The combination of these two forces — more unhappy marriages and more unhappy couples trapped in marriages — is cause for serious worry. Philip Cohen, a sociologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, says that multiple studies have found that the marital distress that comes from money problems and feeling trapped is strongly associated with an increased risk of domestic violence.

One study, for example, looked at women who showed up in hospital emergency rooms for injuries that were both intentional and non-intentional.

"When you compare the women who were injured intentionally and women who were treated for other conditions in the emergency departments, they found that those who were injured intentionally were more likely to have experienced recent unemployment in their families," Cohen says.

There is no conclusive evidence that the current economic downturn has produced an increase in domestic violence, but the numbers are staggering: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported last week that as many as 1 in 4 women nationwide say they've been physically hurt by their husbands or boyfriends.

At the same time, however, Cohen says the overall rates of domestic violence have generally been on the decline. But what's clear, he says, is that unemployment increases the risk of domestic violence.

"I'm quite confident from the research on couples — and what drives violence within couples — that among the people who are experiencing economic shock or dislocation or unemployment, there is an increased risk of violence," he says. "And I would not expect that to be any different during this recession."

'I Would Divorce Him'

One woman we spoke with says that describes her own situation. NPR is not using her name, because of concerns about her safety.

"I've been looking steadily for employment and even for menial-type jobs — basic holiday retail; I haven't been able to get hired on that," says the mother of two who currently lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. She says she's struggling to make ends meet.

The woman is living with her husband — except they're separated. In fact, she moved away from Utah some years ago. When she found that she couldn't work and supervise the children on her own, she and her ex came to an agreement: She'd move back to Salt Lake City, and he would help with the kids.

"The original plan was that he would continue living with his family, where he had been living for the last three years, and he would come over and be a proactive part of our family, but only on a very part-time basis," the woman says. "And it's turned out to be the very opposite — he, he doesn't go home."

Just to be clear: There's no question in the woman's mind that the marriage is over. This is not a trial separation. "There's not just any way for me to go back. Too much damage has been done," she says.

The woman says she wants to be on her own, but she can't afford a divorce. A lawyer has told her it will cost a few hundred dollars to move a divorce through the courts, assuming everything goes off without a hitch.

"If I were able to stand on my own economic feet at this time, I would divorce him," she says. The woman told NPR she's worried her ex may be unstable; he seems depressed. "He's trying to break his thumb. [It] is his thing right now — he keeps trying to injure himself."She also worries about her safety and that of her kids.

"There have been absolutely no threats, emotional or physical," she says. "But if he's trying to hurt himself and he's being vocal about it, you know, I'm not sure what else he'd be capable of doing if he slipped further into his depression."

'Divorce Provides A Safety Valve'

Historian Coontz says she's seen the same patterns over and over again in the last century. During the Great Depression, the divorce rate went down and domestic violence went up. In the 1970s, when states began to permit no-fault divorces, it had an immediate effect on domestic violence.

"In the first five years after the adoption of no-fault divorce, divorce rates did indeed rise, but domestic violence rates fell by about 20 to 30 percent, and wives' suicide rate fell by 8 to 13 percent," Coontz says. "So we know that divorce actually provides a safety valve."

And women were not the only beneficiaries: "It's also reduced the rate at which husbands are murdered by their wives," Coontz says, "so it's been a lifesaver for some men as well."

Coontz predicts that when the current downturn ends, we will see exactly what happened after the Great Depression: "Couples that have postponed this or even one individual in a couple who has postponed seeking a divorce because of the financial recession is going to feel much more enabled to get that divorce afterwards," she says. As the Great Depression lifted and more people found jobs, history shows the divorce rate went back up.

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Is the relationship worth it?

Posted in : Relationship

(added few months ago!)

I'll apologise now for the length of the post, because I sense already that it will end up being a rather epic outpouring of confusion and desperate need for advice lol.

So starting at the beginning: Sometime during July I was on a dating website and ended up chatting with this girl (let's call her H) that I found rather attractive and interesting. The talking moved from the dating site, to facebook, to text and finally phonecalls. We "officially" became girlfriends in September, despite her living 5 hours away, and I went up a couple of weeks ago to spend a week with her. Which went really well :).

Recently however there's been a lot of stress and uncertainty on both sides of the relationship. The reason in the beginning that I felt comfortable becoming H's girlfriend was because she was planning on coming down to where I live sometime during February in order to start at Uni, and I was more than willing to wait for her. But recently she's started freaking out about coming to Wellington because she has bad memories about Wellington (when she was here last she became involved with a bad crowd, doing drugs etc), she doesn't know many people and she doesn't want to leave her Grandpa alone (who she recently found out is diagnosed with cancer). We talked last night and she said that I'm 90% of the reason she wants to come to Wellington. This confuses me though, because before she's said that she wants to go to Uni because she wants to open up her own business, because she feels like she has to do something with her life etc.

All of this is complicated by the fact that about a week ago she told me that she's in love with me. And I couldn't say it back. She says now that if I'm not in love with her too then it feels as though me being here for her when she comes down isn't a sure thing and she doesn't know if she can make such a big move for someone who doesn't feel the same. All of which I understand, because it is a really important decision for her to make and she stands to lose more than I do if the relationship ended for whatever reason because all my friends and family are here to support me whereas she would be alone. But a part of me wonders how I can even be a sure thing. Because even if I knew whether or not I'm in love with her, there's always going to be that chance that our relationship won't work out. But I'm willing to take the risk of getting my heart broken, and I wish she could be too.

The final complication of this all being that the day after I left H's place, her ex from when she was 15 turned up in the hotel H works in. There is a lot of history there, the relationship ended badly but without animosity on either side, and they were prevented from speaking afterwards by their parents. I would have no problem with her restarting contact with this girl if not for the fact that H told me that she doesn't want to get to close to her ex because she thinks it could make her confused about her feelings. Add to this the fact that H told me that her ex told her that she's still in love with H the other day and it's a great recipe for a huge cluster f#$k. So I'm sitting here going, you may think that I'm not a sure thing, but damn, with that going on how is she a sure thing either?

And I have a suspicion that part of the reason H wants to stay in contact with her ex is because she can have her as a backup if things with me don't work out. Because her ex "knows"that she's in love with her while I want to have the time to be sure. Though last night H said she was going to cut of cpntact with her ex so I don't know if that's still something I have to worry about..

Basically, I just need advice as to whether or not you guys think this relationship is worth it. Because while I do love H and want to make this relationship work it just seems like issue after issue keeps popping up. Do I wait and see if she comes to Wellington and we can make it work or do I let it go? I feel as though I'd regret it if I did, but maybe it would would be best in the long run..

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