Bedtime should be a blissful part of any happy couple’s day — the point at which they close the door on the world, cosy up together in a welcome moment of intimacy, then drift off into a solid night’s sleep. That’s the idealistic notion of how it goes, at least. In reality, sleeping together is more often a hot-bed of bad tempers, mismatched body clocks and seething resentments. One of you likes the bedroom cold, the other prefers it hot. One of you snores like a bear, the other grinds their teeth. One of you is a night owl, the other an early bird. The list of potential battlegrounds seems to be endless.
Small wonder that an increasing number of couples are choosing to sleep in separate beds — and often in separate rooms. Their marriages are happy and their sex life very much on track: it’s just that they’ve realised the best way to a good night’s sleep is not to share the mattress and duvet with their spouse. When Debbie and James Clayden cuddled up together in the bridal suite on their wedding night last August, it was the first time they had shared a bed in several years.
And at the end of their two-week honeymoon in Kenya, Debbie and James, both 29, returned to separate bedrooms at their home in Castleford, West Yorkshire. Debbie, an actress, and James, a mechanical engineer, say their relationship has been improved by separate beds. ‘We have a healthy sex life. We can make love wherever and whenever the mood takes us, and taking sex out of the marital bed makes it more exciting,’ says Debbie. ‘When we do make love in bed, it’s usually in James’s bed. We enjoy a cuddle and a chat afterwards, then I go off to my own room.’
James suffers from Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep behaviour disorder, which means he acts out his dreams while asleep. Debbie says: ‘We shared a bed at first, but it became unbearable. I have a bad back that is painful unless I move regularly, but when I turned over I disturbed James, who would then hit or kick out at me.
‘James was permanently exhausted during the day, so I persuaded him to visit our GP and a specialist diagnosed REM sleep behaviour disorder. He prescribed a tranquiliser to help James sleep deeply.’ The medication helped, but James still thrashes around in bed when he has had a busy day or is feeling stressed.
He says: ‘I’m still quite restless when I sleep. Without Debbie moving round at my side, I get more settled sleep.’ Friends have told the Claydens they feel it’s weird for a husband and wife not to sleep together and James admits: ‘If someone had said ten years ago that I would end up sleeping apart from my wife, I’d have thought it a bit odd. But our marriage is happy and fulfilling in every way.’
Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor with charity Relate, says she encounters many more couples who sleep apart now than she did in the past. She attributes that to more people working shifts, but also believes sharing a bedroom is all too often a source of marital conflict. ‘Couples start talking about problems when they go to bed and an argument can start. One partner might eventually try to avoid rounding off the day like this by going into a separate room,’ she says.
But Denise says sleeping apart doesn’t have to impair a couple’s sex life: ‘For some couples it increases their desire because it’s like going back to dating. Making love in their partner’s bedroom then going back to their own to sleep can be thrilling.
‘And if your partner’s sleeping habits mean you’re sleep-deprived that’s bound to get in the way of a good sexual relationship. Separate bedrooms and a good night’s sleep may bring about more physical closeness.’ That said, Denise says sleeping separately can drive a wedge between couples whose relationship is already in trouble. ‘Turning your bedroom into your territory and making it a no-go zone for your partner is a bad idea.’
However, sleeping apart is an arrangement that works perfectly for Shelley Harrison, 35, and her partner of five years, Alex Olejnic, 39, from Braintree, Essex. They have had separate rooms for more than two years. Shelley, an accounts manager, says: ‘Sleeping apart is the best thing we ever did. I’ve never slept well with someone beside me — being alone in bed feels far more natural. When we shared a bed, Alex and I spent the night tossing and turning. That’s frustrating when you have to get up early for work.
‘Alex goes to bed at about 1am, when I’ve already been tucked up for three hours, but it can be 4am before he falls asleep, and then he grinds his teeth. I used to take myself off to the spare room so often that eventually I suggested we make it permanent. I’m a misery without a good night’s sleep, as is he, so we’re both happy with this arrangement.’
Shelley and Alex, 39, have encountered suspicion about their decision. ‘My mum thinks it’s bizarre for a couple to sleep apart, and colleagues look at me askance when I mention it to them,’ says Shelley. ‘They can’t understand a couple in a committed relationship not sharing a bed — one told me she would never let her husband sleep alone. She made me feel it wasn’t natural. But I’m happy, and we have a great relationship.
‘We have other opportunities for intimacy, and we have sex once every four to six weeks, which is probably about average for a couple who’ve been together a few years. We love and care deeply about each other, so what does it matter where we sleep?’
The couple have taken advantage of their arrangement by choosing very different décor for their respective rooms. Shelley’s is purple and feminine, while Alex’s room is a sparsely-furnished bachelor pad. Shelley says: ‘We have a shared walk-in wardrobe in our third bedroom, and on Saturday nights we often watch TV together in Alex’s bed. It feels like we’re a dating couple going back to his place, which is fun. Sometimes I fall asleep in there but usually wake in the early hours and return to the comfort of my own bed.’
Alex says sleeping separately has done wonders for his relationship with Shelley. He says he’s never been happier with a woman, and attributes that to their sleeping apart. ‘When I have a poor night’s sleep, I’m like a bear with a sore head the next day, ratty and snappy,’ Alex says. ‘Shelley makes a clicking sound when she breathes in her sleep, which feels like Chinese water torture, and she accuses me of teeth-grinding and fidgeting. So when we slept together we used to row a lot about which one kept the other awake. Now we barely have a cross word — and the time we spend cuddling up feels more special.’