Elani and Kevin Johnson of Clever say they are committed to each other for life. They love each other and their marriage of 12 years works for the most part, they say. But raising two sons, 5 and 8 --the youngest with special needs -- put a strain on their time and their relationship.

"We are polar opposites. He's laid-back and real quiet, and I'm obnoxious and impatient. He's a homebody, and I always want to be out doing stuff," Melani Johnson says. "Mainly, we would get to the point where I would get mad and quit communicating, and he would get frustrated with me."

They wanted to strengthen their marriage and knew they needed help to reconnect. So they signed up for Hitched and Happy, one of numerous free relationship education classes presented by Operation Us, a federally-funded program of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology.

While some couples experience serious problems, like infidelity, it's more common for couples to have occasional rough patches. Many may simply need new tools to help them focus attention on the marriage, to remember why they fell in love and to communicate more effectively. And to start having fun again.

For personal attention, or more serious problems, couples should seek counseling.

But for others, it can help to join a couples retreat, perhaps through a church. Or to sign up for a relationship class through a program like Operation Us.

Maintaining a strong marriage is good for you and for others in your life, says Jennifer Baker, a licensed clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist at Forest who heads Operation Us and the Marriage and Family Therapy program.

"Your relationships are not neutral. They matter to your vocation, to your children and to your own physical health and well being," she says.

That's why the Administration of Children and Family, part of the United States Department of Health and Human Services, initiated funding for relationship education programs like Operation Us, Baker says.

"Most people, on average, make a good choice the first time around. Then, they hit a rough spot in the road and they don't get the support, or they don't have the background to try to see it through that. Maybe they have communication problems. They don't know how to resolve conflict. And they are always fighting," she says.

"They hate that, so they throw in the towel."

Relationship classes won't eliminate all divorce.

"Nor should we," Baker says. "But it can be reduced. Especially because the majority of people say they want to be married."

Conflict, neglect
Couples stumble in relationships for a variety of reasons, therapists say. Often they stop communicating, they resort to fights or, even worse, stony silence.

In many ways, couples deal with more conflict than their parents did -- for instance when it comes to balancing duel careers, Baker says.

Often couples lack role models, Baker says, or community support to help them maintain a good marriage.

"They are constantly being fed the message that it's all about me. It's all about my happiness," she says.

"But you need to have commitment and healthy sacrifice. The essence of relationships is that, well, sometimes I give up what I want to do so that the person I care about has what they want to do."

Many couples also stop having fun together, she says.

"They don't talk like a friend. All their talk is problem talk. They don't do any future-dreaming anymore. And usually they are not having sex. Or having very little sex."

Trouble can brew when husbands and wives have different approaches to money.

"The No. 1 thing couples fight about is money," Baker says. "They have unrealistic expectations about how much money they will have."

Unrealistic expectations in general can trip up a marriage, says W.K. Boyce, a licensed therapist and marriage and family counselor who directs the Springfield Marriage and Family Institute.

"Part of the disillusionment is that those unrealistic expectations aren't being met," he says.

For one thing, over-scheduled lives get in the way.

"Our culture makes so many demands on both the husband and wife. If they don't make time to be together, they are not together because everything else takes too much time," he says.

The relationship suffers from neglect.

"The children have become their focus, or their work has become their focus. They've forgotten to keep their focus on the marriage. But they've got to keep the marriage relationship strong because that's the core relationship in their family," Boyce says.

Some couples don't feel the full impact of that until children grow up.

"When the kids are gone, they really don't know each other any more. They don't know how to reconnect and to find what they once had," Boyce says. "But they can find it if they will just go get help."

Finding help
Commitment to attend a class or retreat, putting the focus on your relationship, is a step in the right direction.

Programs through Operation Us for married couples, engaged and dating couples, stepfamilies, expectant couples, teens and singles are free.

Randy Dickens insisted he and his wife, Donna, sign up for Hitched and Happy, which meets on Wednesdays at Chesterfield Family Center.

The couple from Strafford have been married for seven years, together for 14, and have a 12-year-old daughter. They also have three adult kids from previous marriages.

He and Donna weren't getting along recently, Randy says, "and it put a lot of stress on the family."

They've both been married before, he adds, "So we have a history of not working things out and we wanted to stop that."

Donna says she realizes she was bottling up stress and grief about her mother battling Alzheimer's disease.

"I was keeping everything to myself. Instead of communicating negative feelings, I wasn't communicating anything," she says.

The class has helped, and they're laughing more again, the Dickenses say.

Learning in a group helps, also, to meet other couples seeking strong marriages, Donna says: "Sometimes you feel like you are the only ones that have issues. But you are not."

Hitched and Happy has a rolling enrollment, meaning couples can join anytime during its cycle. About 15 couples from around the Ozarks attend the current session. One has a 35-year age difference between them. Several have been married 10 to 12 years and have kids at home. Others are in their retirement years, including two couples -- one married 35 years --who know each other from church.

One young couple took the class before getting married this month.

Baker teaches the class with her husband, Paul, whose sense of humor keeps the mood light. It helps couples feel more at ease, Baker says, that she and Paul talk about the joys --and difficulties --in their own marriage of 34 years.

Since he and Melani started attending the class more than six weeks ago, their communication has improved, Kevin Johnson says: "Some of the stuff they've taught us is how to listen. ... and how to say what we want to say, and keep it simple."

Donna Dickens says she feels more in touch with her feelings and gives herself permission to express them.

Her new communication skills work also with their daughter.

"It really goes beyond your marriage," she says. "It encompasses your whole life."