Dear Bossy: Up until 6 months ago I was a normal 27 year old guy, loving life, happy in his relationship with a beautiful woman who seemingly loved me just as much as I loved her. Unfortunately 6 months ago my world came crashing down around me when she announced that she was ending our 2 year relationship because she had met someone else she had been seeing for 2 months without me knowing.

There was no sign of this coming. She cheated on me and my world came crashing down like I had never known before.I went through the standard depressing time of not having her in my life, then the anger and being cheated on… I suppose all the stages you expect come with this type of break up.

That was until about 6 weeks ago, suddenly I am going through a stage I was not expecting and has confused me terribly...... I find myself only wanting myself to be around guys… fair enough you say..... but sexually.....not so fair enough.

I am an open minded guy who has some gay friends but apart from 1 drunken night aged 18 where there was a little too much touching between friends (experimenting i suppose),I have never ever had these types of thoughts before.

It started as a dream where a friend and I pleasured each other, at first i put it down to a dream that could have meant anything.... but now its all about guys at the moment. Chatting online, fooling around in chatrooms via webcam and feeling ultimately aroused in a way I could never have pictured looking at other guys.

My mind still says to me “your not gay, its to do with the break up, you associate bad feelings toward all women, because of what you ex did to you.

My question is - Have you ever come across this type of reaction to a break up? Sure I am still aroused by the naked female form, but the intensity of arousal is not the same as it currently is with guys. I hesitate meeting any guys I chat to online in case i do something I regret later on. Is it possible I have been sub-conciously suppressing a Bi-sexual side that I am only now discovering.

Will these feeling slowly return to normal or do I assume that I am playing the whole field now and not just for one team.

Very confused, yet very aroused.

Bossy says: Most people are going to tell you that if you are looking at pictures of blokes and getting off on them then you’re probably gay. Or bi. You just don’t know it yet.

But there are always shades of grey.

It’s certainly possible that after a difficult break-up you might find yourself more interested in spending time with members of the same sex. Partly this is self-protection. You may fear being hurt again. It feels comfortable being around other blokes. You don’t want to go anywhere near women or emotional relationships any time soon.

But you are wanting more than companionship. You are seeking out men online for sexual satisfaction.

The fact you are exploring this through chat rooms may simply be a matter of convenience and a means through which to examine your desires in an anonymous way. And the detached world of the internet may be part of the appeal. No heavy emotions. No heartbreak. Just sex. Even if it is solo sex, right now.

You may also be turned on by what you see as a “risky” or novel experience. Being gay itself is not the risk, but if you have previously seen yourself as heterosexual then conceivably you may see hunting out gay porn as a risk taking behaviour. Some people do indulge in risky behaviour after a break-up, whether its drug use or a parade of meaningless bed buddies.

Deciding “what you are” is also tricky. These days it’s fair to let people decide what they are themselves - and there are many variations of bisexuality. Some people will have sex with a man one night, a woman the next; others are serial monogamists who are equally happy in relationships with men or women. Some people only have relationships with one gender and just enjoy sex with the other.

I spoke to man once who had relationships with women and enjoyed emotional intimacy as well as sex with females, but also sought sex from men. He didn’t kiss men and he didn’t get emotionally involved. He regarded himself as bisexual but was only comfortable having emotional intimacy with women.

I guess the best way to find out what this means is to find out where it’s going. I mean are you content stay where you are now getting yourself off over the net? Or do you feel compelled to seek satisfaction face to face?

For now, for you, being careful is a good thing. You are dipping your toe in the water with your chat rooms but there may be a time when you may want to take things further; when you want to find out whether you are attracted to men for real.

Make sure if you decide to do this, you take precautions and don’t end up meeting a stranger you met online in a private place. You really don’t know what sorts of freaks are trawling the net. But if you do find someone you think you can trust there’s no harm in at least setting up a meeting. Don’t be led into doing anything physical that you are not ready to do.

Whether you are just experimenting or will soon be chasing blokes as well as women is difficult to say. Counselling may help, especially if you can’t talk to friends or family. It may be useful to have someone to talk to about this journey and to support you as you ask yourself what these new feelings mean.

I hope that helps. As time goes on things will become clearer.
Take care in between.