There has been much written lately about “settling” in relationships. This refers to letting go of the idea of finding a “soul mate” and instead focusing on more practical aspects of a relationship, such as character, growing in love together and having such things as shared goals.

The idea of romantic love as depicted in movies rarely has staying power, according to some. It’s a good idea these days, with our divorce rate at about 45 percent, to consider what constitutes love and how it lasts. How we manage our relationships directly relates to our emotional and physical health. It can even determine how long we live.

UCLA marital researchers Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney, using a model of “interpersonal fitness,” have set out to study why certain relationships thrive and others fail.

Interpersonal fitness includes variables such as personal characteristics, outside stressors, time available and the difficulty of relating.

When Bradbury and Karney asked successful couples what had held their relationships together over time, a common reply was that the partner was willing to focus on and meet the needs of the other during times of stress.

But just meeting this kind of person and forming a relationship is daunting. Some of us have many “false starts” and make wrong choices or can’t seem to form an attachment. Others do connect but then grow bored and seek other liaisons. Many of us are somewhere in between—with someone we care about but unable to achieve that pinnacle of connection; we’re not “in love” anymore, but we’re not looking elsewhere either.

Our family relationships growing up create a template for how we think about and deal with relationships throughout our lives. Most of us lack good models. Many of us are overwhelmed by how often relationships fail.

There seems to be a certain selflessness that is inherent in good, loving relationships. This is a personal characteristic but can also be cultivated and enhanced over time.

For couples, the ability to understand something about the experience of the other and then validate it promotes caring.

This alone can be enough, although Bradbury and Karney have an interesting finding that relates to this.

It seems that when a partner does something to help the other (such as doing the dishes that night or taking out the trash), it is perceived as helpful only when there is no attention drawn, no mention made of it. Otherwise, the receiving partner feels that strings are attached (and they usually are).

Another variable is stress. It is unseen yet significant in its impact upon our ability to think clearly, make good choices and be effective in a relationship. Couples have to be mindful about how “the outside gets in” and what can be done about it.

As an example, if our daily commute is so great as to limit personal time and resources, we have to recognize this and find a way to be together as a couple despite it.

One successful couple gives each other a halfhour after returning home to regroup and process the day alone; each honors this private time and knows the other will be available afterwards.

Stress directly affects the ability to think clearly and well. We often don’t make good choices under stress, so it’s no surprise that it affects complex mental functioning such as the ability to forgive. In couples, the art of forgiving is often the glue that strengthens and binds, allowing freedom to move on from hurt, anger and common misunderstandings.

Stress can cause fatigue, which eventually undermines physical health. Couples may be too exhausted for a satisfying sex life.

Research shows that partners who can anticipate and manage life stressors have emotional and physical reserves left for one another.

Of course, researchers who dissect relationships in the lab are anything but romantic. So what about “soul mates”? Do they exist?

Perhaps they do exist in the “intense fantasy life that shapes the early stages of erotically charged romantic love,” says Esther Perel, a marriage and family therapist, but then they evolve with time, life experience and emotional investment, with each partner having the idea that they are committed to the other no matter what.

It’s not “settling,” it’s building. I think that’s very romantic, don’t you?