Around 10 per cent of women claim never to orgasm yet if we’re lacking on the old libido front we immediately assume there’s a problem.
Unfortunately, in a world where sex sells, not having enough sex makes us feel guilty or inadequate and can seriously affect your relationship.
In certain situations, however, it’s normal to “go off” sex. If you’ve not been enjoying the sex you’ve been having, or it has become painful or emotionally strained, it’s only natural that you’re not going to be keen to repeat the experience.
After a miscarriage or abortion, for example, you’ll also have to deal with the hormonal downturn before you grapple with the emotional scars.
After having a baby, you’ll be physically more tired, have the pain of an episiotomies scar, and breastfeeding can cause a drought “down there” as it lowers your levels of oestrogen. It’s not surprising that sex is fraught at these times.
As Professor Lesley Regan says in Your Pregnancy Week By Week: “It is estimated that more than 50% of couples have not returned to their pre-pregnancy sexual activity one year after the birth of their first child.”
The good news is that it’s exactly when you’re in this take it or leave it cul-de-sac that you have the restraint necessary to pick up some new moves and techniques to light up your love life. Here’s a few ideas for you:
For ladies: Take a warm bath, pop in a bath bomb, lie back and put on a face pack and drink lots of fresh juices as you chill out in scented water. You’ll be less stressed (a libido buster) and the warm water improved blood circulation and gets things moving more quickly.
For gents: Leave your clothes on and fool around, like you did as a teenager. Talk and snuggle up with your partner whenever you can. Grab the opportunity to find out if something about how your sexual tastes have changed. Touching, kissing, hugging and stroking are all just as good as sex.
The stress factor If we are tired or stressed the first thing that shrinks is our libido. In addition, how you feel at the outset of a making out session is no indication of how you’ll feel after lots of foreplay. Trust yourself and give yourself time to enjoy anything that comes your way. And while you’re at it, get yourself some extra sleep to make sure that simple tiredness is not destroying your mood.
Don’t forget that most of the time we’re in bed just to sleep, so it’s natural to associate this space more with the land of nod than exhilarating thrills. Experiment with the sofa or maybe a rug on the floor in front of the fire. It’s sexy and cosy so you’ve got the best of both worlds. Sex clinic Q) My husband and I have been together for twenty years and there’s just no spark. We’re best friends, not lovers. Even the idea of foreplay seems silly. What now?
A) Being best friends with your husband sounds great. There is some evidence to suggest that after a certain amount of time couples no longer feel attracted to each other. As far back as 1891 the sociologist Edward Westermarck, in The History of Human Marriage, suggested this is why we avoid incest by choice: we’re simply not attracted to people we spend lots of time with.
In 1995 Arthur Wolf published a paper re-examining Westermarck’s theory which he applied to 14,000 Chinese woman, those who had been raised within the family to marry their “brothers” from infancy were nearly tree times as likely to divorce as those who met on their wedding day. Break this cycle and try to get a bit of distance. Spend weekends apart or initiate flirty telephone calls. Make your time together precious, rather than taking each other for granted.
Q) I’m a woman in my forties, isn’t it normal for desire to drop off as you get older? A) No, quite the opposite. Although Hollywood would have you believe that only the young feel sexy, in reality sex is more important to older couples.
Reader’s Digest published a poll undertaken by ICM in 2003 showing couples in the 24-34 age group were least concerned with sex whereas men and women in the 35-44 age group has more interest in good sex. So don’t let that urban myth get the better of you.
If you don’t feel as sexy as you used to, spend some time pampering yourself and learn how to appreciate your husband again - by thinking of all the things you first found attractive about him, you should ignite some of the chemistry you used ot have and things will develop from there.