A friend e-mailed me about his son's marriage, which is a bit of struggle. That led to the following guidelines that I put together with lots of help from my wife, Roberta.

We can't claim to be experts, but having been married since 1977, we do have nearly 33 years of experience.

Most troubled marriages need professional help, and my friend's son is receiving that. Our observations don't deal with major issues such as abuse, addictions and adultery. But maybe a few of our suggestions will help you:

1. Every marriage will be based on something besides love. What is it? Security? Money? Sex? Fear of being alone? Children? Convenience? Most couples never bother to ask this question.

2. Jesus said a house must be built on rock, not on sand. That's because sand can be washed away when trouble comes (Matthew 7: 24-27). What is your marriage built upon? How do you make decisions?

3. Here are three possible problem areas: sex, money and communication. The biggest is communication. If communication breaks down, the relationship can explode. Or it can become an uneasy business partnership with most of the discussion being about the kids and the daily schedule.

4. Do we really need five credit cards? Christian writer and pastor Rick Warren often asks, "Are you buying stuff you really don't need just to impress people you really don't like?"

5. Discuss every major financial decision. Then pray about it. Even after you've reached a conclusion as a couple, wait at least a day before doing it. No one has to buy a car or a house on the spot.

6. Your spouse can't make you happy. You are responsible for your contentment. We spend so much time praying for God to change the other person. How about praying that God changes you?

7. Look to how you can help your spouse, rather than pouting about him/her not helping you. Quit keeping score. Scorekeepers always think they win, but they usually make the situation worse.

8. Criticize the action, not the person. Saying, "It was a bad idea when you knew you were late and didn't call me" works so much better than yelling, "You never call. You are always late. You don't care about me, and there's something really wrong with you."

9. You'll never make a point when using the words "never" or "always" because the other person will find the exception.

10. Guys, listen to her. Make eye contact. Don't interrupt her and immediately try to fix things. Don't watch the ballgame on TV or read the paper when she's trying to tell you something. Boy, do I need to work on this one.

11. Women, at the end of the workday, don't immediately tell him things that need to be done. In sports, there is a 15-minute cooling off period after games. No one is in the dressing room but the players, and they often just sit there in silence, or talk quietly.

12. Pray together. Do it out loud. Hold each other's hands. Pray from the heart; don't say some quick, worn-out prayers. Don't turn prayers into accusations.

Finally, get into the same ministry together -- visiting hospital patients, helping handicapped kids, anything you can do together to honor God.